Her Candy of Choice
by scubysnak
Summary: After a devastating accident strikes their family, Catherine turns to an old friend. Can Sara save her before it's too late? CS Chapter 8 up
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em...but what fun I could have if I did.**

**PROLOGUE**

* * *

A perfect lie. That's what everything had been. I certainly wasn't in much of a position to judge her. God knows when I had problems, I had hit the bottle. And what did that get me? Nearly arrested, mandatory meetings with a counselor and the loss of Grissom's respect. 

We had never been civil to one another socially, much less friends. It didn't take long for the gossip grapevine to alert her to the fact that my 'vacation' had actually been a suspension. After that, she seemed to take a real interest in me. She made sure I was always included in her outings with the guys. I spent lots of Saturdays with her and Lindsey. It took months before either of us realized how close we had become. Once we realized that, our relationship quickly evolved. Before we knew it, we were living together and I had the family I had always wanted. I couldn't remember life before Lindsey and Catherine.

It has been three years, two months and nine days since I last had a drink. I always said I didn't have a drinking problem—that I had a me problem. That's a bit like saying you're a waste collection technician when what you really are is a trash man. I was a drunk. I am an alcoholic. I can say that because my life with Catherine and Lindsey kept me sober. Nothing was going to make me go back to the bottle.

When we lost Lindsey four months ago, I was tempted. I wanted to crawl in that bottle and never come out. I didn't know it was possible to hurt the way I hurt or to feel the pain I felt over losing her. And even now, I can't put words to how much her death devastated Catherine.

I don't think any parent expects to outlive their child. I know I didn't. I really saw us packing her up for college in a couple of years. A beautiful wedding even further down the road. And I could picture my beautiful Catherine holding her first grandchild in her arms minutes after he was born.

What I didn't expect was to get called to the scene of a horrific car crash only to recognize the driver being zipped into a body bag as Lindsey's boyfriend. I dropped my kit and ran to the passenger's side of the car to find rescue crews still trying to cut the passenger out. A sheet had already been placed over her and a body bag was at the ready. It only took me seeing some of the golden hair sticking out from the sheet to recognize the victim as Lindsey.

I was still standing there staring at the scene when Sofia pulled me away. All I recall are bits and pieces of what she said as she drove me home. _Stay strong…Catherine…needs you…only child…your love…your support…_

When I told Catherine what had happened, she changed. I didn't see it then, but looking back now, I know it happened that instant my words fell on her ears.

I should have known then. I should have paid closer attention. She told me once before that she had only quit using when she found out she was pregnant with Lindsey and that she had stayed clean because of her. I guess I thought I could keep her grounded. But without Lindsey around, she saw no reason to stay clean.

When I came home early from work this morning, the last thing I expected to see were lines of coke on our coffee table and Catherine slumped over on the couch.

* * *

It's a little different--I know. But Immi has me depressed, so I decided to go with it. 


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 'em…I wish I did…and boy the fun I'd have!!

Chapter 1

"Catherine! Oh my god, no! Catherine," I started shaking her. "Please don't do this to me baby," tears were flowing down my face. "No! No! No! No!"

I pulled her body from the couch and laid her on the floor. I pulled out my cell and put it on speakerphone before dialing 911.

I felt for a pulse…it was faint but quick. She was barely breathing, pale and very hot.

"911. What's your emergency?"

"I think I have a drug overdose here. There's cocaine on the table and she's…oh my god, Catherine…she's not responsive." Tears were falling onto her cheeks from my eyes. "Hurry…please." I'm sure they barely heard my last words as they were whispered against Catherine flush cheek.

I kept checking her pulse and her respiration, waiting for an ambulance to arrive. I derided myself for us not living closer to the city. When her pulse disappeared and the ambulance hadn't yet arrived, I started CPR. She may have lost herself, but I wasn't giving up on her…on us.

As my intertwined hands moved up and down on her chest, I was reminded of the last day she had touched me and let me touch her.

_"__Sar__, what are you doing home so early?" she greeted me at the door. She looked past me and noticed Sofia for the first time. __"You two making a social call?"_

_"__Cath__, baby, sit down I've…" I looked up into her eyes and she knew something was wrong._

_"Sara Sidle, what is going on? Why aren't you at work? Why is Sofia here with you?"_

_"Catherine," Sofia spoke up having realized that I was having trouble putting words to what had happened. "There was an accident earlier this evening."_

_Catherine rushed to my side. "Baby, are you okay?" She was brushing my hair away from my face and looking for obvious damage. "What happened to you? Did you bust into a crime again with no backup?" She looked from me to Sofia and back to me. "Why aren't either of you telling me what's going on?"_

_It was then that I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her tight against me. "Lindsey was in an accident, Cat."_

_She tried to pull away from me, but I held her tightly against me. "Why are we sitting here? Why are you here? You should have gone to the hospital __with her __and called me!" _

_Sofia took a few more steps into the living room so that she wouldn't have to speak as loudly. "Catherine, I'm sorry. The vehicle that Lindsey was in... Michael didn't make it," she paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "Lindsey didn't either."_

_Catherine went limp in my arms. I could feel her heart pounding in her chest against mine.__ I looked up at Sofia, unsure of what I was supposed to be doing. I had been there when news like this had been given. I had been the one giving the news before. It's very different when you're the one affected by it. The only thing I knew to do was cling to Catherine. And somewhere in the back of mind, I knew that clinging to her wasn't going to be enough._

_Sofia __moved closer to__ us. "Catherine, Sara…I'm very sorry for your loss. Lindsey was…well, she was…" Sofia never got to finish what she was about to say before Catherine's anger bubbled to the surface._

_"This is your fault! This is your fucking fault! You're the reason I don't have my baby anymore," she shouted at me as her fists pounded against my chest.__ "You said I was treating her like she was still a little girl. You said that I needed to let her grow up. You said he was a good guy. You said she'd be okay…" Catherine fell to the floor sobbing against me._

_"I'm sorry baby. I can't…" My own tears were causing me to choke on my words. "I'm hurting, too. I loved her, Cath. She was my daughter, too."_

_With hatred burning in her eyes, she glared at me. "Why????" She was wailing against my chest and there was nothing I could do to console or comfort her._

Seconds turned into minutes as I kneeled over the last remnant of my happiness forcing life through her body. As my arms gave out, EMTs burst through the door and pushed me aside. Dispatch must have alerted Grissom because as they were loading Catherine into the rear of the ambulance he slammed on brakes in front of our house.

"What happened?" he shouted at me.

I couldn't even answer him. I just fell against him and wept.

"Come on, let's get you to the hospital with her," he said as he shut the door of his truck and climbed into the driver's seat.

He silently reached over and took my hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. I still didn't know how I was going to explain to him what had happened when I didn't understand it myself.


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Don't own '****em****….**

**Chapter 2**

We arrived at the hospital just as the ambulance was unloading Catherine. I noticed that they were no longer doing chest compressions and took that as a good sign. Grissom hadn't even put the truck in park when I swung the door open and jumped out.

"Sara, wait!" he shouted at me, but I paid him no attention.

Even in the state I was in, I knew better than to try and enter through the doors they had just taken Catherine through. Instead, I pushed through the other entrance to the ER and walked up to the reception desk.

"Catherine Willows?" I shouted at the man behind the desk. He looked at me like I had two heads. "I'm her partner. She was just brought in."

He continued to look at me. I threw my hands up in frustration and moved to step around his desk and into the ER when a hand on my shoulder caused me to stop. I looked over my shoulder and into Grissom's eyes. He reached down and took one of my hands in his before speaking.

"Excuse me," he looked down at the young man's name tag, "Todd. I'm Gil Grissom with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. One of my investigators was just brought in. I need to see her. Her name is Catherine Willows."

Obviously Todd reacted better to a calm man than a hysterical woman.

"Let me check on her condition for you, sir. Do you have her next of kin that we can call?" he asked.

"I'm her next of kin," I said as I slammed my hands down on the desk in front of him.

I could tell that my anger was sort of scaring Todd, but I couldn't help myself. It had been half an hour since I had seen Catherine and they were keeping me out here when she was back there somewhere. Once again, Peacemaker Gil calmed me down. He placed his hands on my shoulders and reiterated what I had said. "This is Sara Sidle. She is Ms. Willows' next of kin."

A smug smile crossed his features as he handed me a clipboard with a mountain of papers on it. "You'll need to complete this. When you're finished, bring them back to me and hopefully I'll have some information for you." He handed me a pen and then looked back down at whatever was on his desktop that was more important than me finding out how Catherine was.

Before I could say anything, Grissom smiled at me and said, "Sara, why don't you go sit down over there and get started on these papers and I'll have a little talk with Todd."

Taking the clipboard and flashing my best 'fuck you' look at the prick who handed it to me, I walked away.

I was sitting there, silently crying and trying to remember our address, when I heard my name being called. I looked up and found myself face to face with Nancy. Great.

"Sara, what's going on here?"

I went to stand up to face her attack because sitting down just makes me feel even weaker than I already am. But she shoved me back down into my seat. "It's not enough that you talked her into letting Lindsey go out with that boy. It's not enough that if it wasn't for that, Lindsey would still be here."

I decided to try standing one more time. "Nancy, as soon as I know what happened, I'll let you know. Now, if you'll…"

She grabbed my arm as I tried to walk past her. "You'll what, Sara? Why are you even here?"

I had to shake my head to be certain that I was hearing her correctly. "Why am I here? Why am I here? That's my fucking life back there and I don't know if she's dead or alive. That's why I'm here. Why are you here? To make me feel more miserable? To lay blame for this on me too?"

"No, I meant why are you here? You're not her next of kin."

As if the possibility of losing Catherine wasn't enough, her sister was standing in front of me telling me I had no right to be here. I turned to look for Grissom, but he was nowhere to be found. I've never felt more alone than I do right now. Nancy is still talking, berating me for being a failure at everything from my job ('why didn't you ever find Eddie's killer?') to failing to protect Lindsey ('she'd still be here if you had never convinced Cath it was okay.') to failing to love Catherine enough ('if you love her so much, why didn't you recognize she was back on that shit?').

I fall apart when I see Sofia walking toward me. The dam bursts and as two arms slide around me, the full weight of what is going on hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest. The only thing keeping me from hitting the floor is Sofia. She nearly drags me to a seat and sits down beside me, her arms still around me and her hands moving rhythmically up and down my back. I lose track of time as the soothing feeling of her hand up and down my back calms me.

"You okay there, kiddo?" she asks me as I pull back slightly to look around the waiting room I feel like I've been in for an eternity. She knows who I'm looking for and speaks again, "She's sitting around the corner on another bench. Now, once again, are you okay?"

I sit up straight and run my hands over my face before running them down my thighs as I lean forward. "Why didn't I see that this was going on? Today couldn't have been the first time she did this. I'm supposed to notice this stuff, Sof. Why didn't I see it? Maybe Nancy is right, maybe all of this is my fault."

She doesn't speak, she just keeps her hand on my back and gives me a chance to talk through this. We've grown so much closer since Cath and I lost Lindsey. Other than Cath, Sofia is the one person I trust with everything and the only other person I let in completely. "What am I going to do if I lose her? How am I…" I nearly choke on the sob threatening to escape from me. "Oh my god, I don't know if I can do this. I can't…If she…" Sofia pulled me tight against her and just rocked me back and forth.

Another hand joins hers on my back and Grissom's voice breaks through my blubbering, crying mess. "I'm sorry I disappeared on you. I managed to get back there to speak with a doctor." He sighed heavily and I pulled back from Sofia and turned to face him.

"Is she okay? Is she awake? Can I see her?" I suddenly found strength and was standing in front of both of them. Grissom wouldn't make eye contact with me and that sent me right back into a tailspin. He looked at Sofia and then down at his feet. "She's dead, isn't she?"

I wrapped my arms around myself and turned my back to both of them. I closed my eyes and tried desperately to compose myself. When I opened them, I noticed Nancy being led through the doors to the treatment area of the ER. Without another thought, I quickly closed the distance between myself and her and tried to push through the doors behind her. A guard quickly stopped me. Nancy looked back over her shoulder at me and continued deeper into the ER.

Before I could do something that I'd regret, Sofia and Grissom were leading me back to the chairs. Grissom spoke first.

"Sara, she's alive. But, it doesn't look good. They actually lost her a couple of times."

I nearly choked on the bile threatening to rise up, but instead this ragged cry of relief that she was alive and sheer terror that she wouldn't be much longer forced its way out of me.

"There's something else," Sofia interjected. "You're not technically her next of kin. They won't let you back there to see her."

"They only let me back there because of my badge," he half smiled. "It's up to Nancy who sees her right now, Sar. If there was anything I could do, I would."

I stood up and started to pace. "This isn't fair. We've been together for…just because we don't have some piece of paper doesn't mean I'm not her next of kin. I should be back there," I pointed toward the doors of the ER, "not her sister." I shoved my hands in back pockets and turned to face them. "Please, one of you, do something. I need to see her. I need to see her. I need to…" I began to cry again.

Sofia stood and went to draw me into a hug again. "NO! Don't touch me. Get me back there so that I can see her! That's the only thing that will make me feel better."

I sank down in a chair, leaving several empty spaces between myself and Grissom, and buried my face in my hands. What would I do if I lost her? _Could_ I go on? _Would_ I go on? I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes, trying to ease the pain in my head and heart.

_I felt her fingers brush the side of my face and painfully, my eyes fluttered open._

_"Hey baby," I squeaked out in a raspy, weak voice._

_"Don't hey baby me. __Dammit__Sar__. You nearly got yourself killed. I can't lose you," her blue eyes were filled with tears and her face was red and swollen._

_I reached for hand and took it in mine. "I'm okay, __Cat.__ I'm okay. You'll never lose me, baby."_

_"What the hell were you thinking going in there without it being cleared? Where the hell was the officer on the scene? Who was it? Who was supposed to be with you today? I'll slice his balls off and serve them to one of Grissom's little fuzzy, eight-legged creatures."_

_I tried hard to stifle a laugh. The thought of her even getting close to one of the aquariums in Grissom's office, much less feeding one of his monsters, was just funny. Before I could answer her, Sofia spoke up. I guess she had been sitting in here as well. _

_"It was me. I was with her today, Cath."_

_Cath's__ anger quickly turned toward Sofia. She dropped my hand and got in Sofia's face, a finger poking Sofia in the chest to reiterate every single word she spoke. "You make sure she comes home to me every night, Curtis, or they'll never find your fucking body. Understand?"_

_She smiled at __Cath__ and simply nodded before ducking out._

_"And you," she turned back toward me, "I don't know that I could go on living if I lost you, too."_

_"Me either baby. Me either."_


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em…

**Chapter 3**

"How did you…never mind, I don't want to know," I said as I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

He took my hand in his and led me down the hall away from the ER.

"Where are we going?" The last bit of information I had gotten out of him or Sofia still had Catherine in the ER.

"I was able to pull some strings and go ahead and get her put in a room. But Sara, I want to prepare you for what you're going to see," he tried to caution me.

"I'm not a child, Gil. I only care about seeing her right now."

"Sara, stop. Okay? I know you've never been one to listen to anyone else, but you need to know some things before we go in there okay? They think she's been using again for a few months. She's on a heart monitor and oxygen right now. She's extremely pale. She's…"

"…hooked up to a ton of shit. I get that, Gil. Please, just take me to see her." I dropped my hand from his and turned to face him. "What aren't you telling me?" Once again, he wouldn't meet my eyes. "Gil Grissom, what did you have to do to get me back here to see her?"

"Nancy is going to be in the room. That's the only way she'd let you come down here and see her."

I think I'm pretty sure I pulled one of those Linda Blair numbers from _The Exorcist_. "She what? Why?"

"I don't understand why she's pulling this shit now. It's not like she hasn't given me enough grief the entire time I've been with Cath. Why should now be any different? Oh yeah, that's right, it should be different since she might die!" I closed my eyes and ran my hand through my hair. "You know, whatever. I just need to see her. For however long she'll let me, whether she's there or not, I just need to see her. I need to hold her hand and kiss her cheek and…I just need to see her and then I can deal with Nancy and her fucked up self."

He put his arm around my shoulder and led me further down the hall. We stopped outside a door and I could hear the beeping of a heart monitor. My breath caught in my throat. This was it. The moment of truth. What was I made of? Could I deal with seeing my lover like this?

Grissom pushed the door open for me to walk in and before I could, Nancy stepped out in the hall with us. She looked at me and then Grissom. "Did you explain everything to her?"

"I told her that you'd be in the room with her."

"And?" she had her hands crossed over her chest and was standing in a defensive position.

"Nancy, just let her…"

"No! Jesus, Grissom. You don't have a set on you at all, do you?" she said before turning toward me. "No touching her. You can see her, but you can't touch her."

Tears were quickly filling my eyes. Pride had cost me a lot in lifetime. But now, I was willing to swallow it. "Nancy, please don't. Don't do this. You know how we feel about each other."

She cocked her eyebrow at me. "No, I don't know how you feel about my sister. But she has made it perfectly clear the last few months how she feels about you. She blames you for what happened to Lindsey. Why she hasn't kicked your sorry ass out of her house yet is beyond me."

It didn't matter what she said. It didn't matter what Catherine said. I already blamed myself for Lindsey's accident and her death. Nothing that anyone could ever say would ever dissuade me from thinking that this was my entire fault. I hung my head in shame and out of guilt.

I couldn't bring myself to look in her eyes. "Nancy, please just give me a few minutes with her alone. You can stand right here and watch, or whatever, but I need a few minutes just me and her."

She didn't even acknowledge my pleas, instead she turned to Grissom. "I told you this wouldn't work. You promised she'd go along with this." She leveled her gaze on me. "You know what? Just forget it. This was a bad idea."

She turned to walk back into Catherine's room and I reached out and barely touched her arm, causing her to quickly turn around. "I'll do whatever you want. Just let me see her. You can stay." The defeat in my voice is as heavy as the victorious smile on her face is light. I smile at Grissom and mouth a silent 'thank you' before squeezing past Nancy and into Catherine's room.

I stand at the foot of her bed and take in the scene. The heart monitor that I could hear from the hallway is still beeping, though not in the rhythmic manner I've seen on so many television shows. Her face is pale and dark circles ring her eyes. A thin oxygen tube runs to her nose and an IV is running into her arm. I'm dumbly standing there touching the footboard and hesitant to move. Even when I had to tell Catherine that we had lost Lindsey, she was the strongest person I knew. She blamed me for everything, and rightfully so, but she never once broke down in front of anyone other than me. And to see her now, laying in this bed, monitors and tubes and IVs surrounding her…tears start to run down my face and I move to the side of her bed.

I cautiously reach out and take her hand in mine. It's cold, clammy and if it weren't for the slow rising and falling of her chest, I'd swear it was lifeless. The instant my hand touches hers, I choke back a sob and reach out to tuck a few strands of her hair behind her ear. I look up at Nancy to make sure that even touching Catherine is okay with her. I don't want her to kick me out just yet. She's sitting in the chair on the opposite side of Catherine's bed studying my every move.

The last thing I want is to have Nancy hear what I want to say to Catherine, but it doesn't seem as if I have a choice in the matter. I slowly lean down closer to her and stroke her cheek with one hand while the other still holds one.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath and begin to speak. "Baby, I'm sorry. So sorry…that I didn't see that this was going on. That I didn't know you were hurting this bad. We'll deal with this. You'll get better and I'll be right there beside you the entire way," I brushed my lips against her forehead before continuing. "A part of me died with Lindsey and if I lost you, I don't know that there'd be enough of me left to keep going. I love you, Cat. We…"

"That's enough," Nancy said as she stood up and walked to the door. "You had your chance to see her and speak to her. Now, it's time for you to leave."

I cupped her cheek once more before bending down and kissing her lips. I gently laid her hand back at her side and turned to leave. I was still in the doorway looking at her when Nancy closed the door in my face.

I looked around and found myself alone in the hall. Alone. That's what I was. I shoved my hands into my pockets and began walking. I had pulled a double before finding Catherine. That was nearly 14 hours ago. I'd been up for more than 36 hours. Grissom had driven me here and now was nowhere to be found.

I stopped at the little gift shop on my way out and bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I hadn't had a drink or a smoke since Catherine and I had started dating. _I don't want Lindsey thinking __it's__ okay to do either. Understand?_ I can't help but laugh at the irony as I light up my first cigarette and walk through the parking lot. A bottle of Jack would just make this perfect.

I'm a block from the hospital when I spot a liquor store. I flip my cigarette into the street and walk in. I grab a bottle of my favorite brand and walk up to the counter. I pull out cash and slide it toward the guy.

"Sorry lady, I need some ID first," the old man says as he taps the little sign that says I must have been born on or before this date in 1986 to purchase liquor.

As I pull out my license I ask him, "Just what is today's date?"

He takes a quick glance at my license before saying, "March 9th. That'll be $11.57."

I simply turn and walk out of the store leaving my money and my liquor on the counter. I faintly hear the man calling as I walk out the door.

How could I not have realized what today was? Could I really be that fucking stupid?

I reach into my pocket and pull out my cell phone and dial a number I know by heart.

"Where the hell are you? I'm at the hospital looking for you and Nancy said she kicked you out half an hour ago."

"It's her birthday."

"Sara, where are you? I'm coming to get you. Just tell me where you are," I could sense the panic in Sofia's voice.

"I'm at a liquor store just down the street. I'm standing outside. Please come and get me. I need to do something."

I had barely closed my cell phone when Sofia slid to a stop in front of me and jumped out of her car.

"Have you been drinking?" she asked as she put her arm around me.

I pushed her away. "No, I haven't. Though I wanted to. I went in there," I motioned to the store behind me, "and picked up the bottle and handed the guy the money. And then I asked what today's date was."

I pulled out another cigarette and lit it. I had barely taken one drag off of it when Sofia plucked from my lips and tossed it to the ground.

"Today would have been Lindsey's 17th birthday. I've been so busy with…Fuck, Sof. I should have seen this coming," I turned around and pounded my fists against the roof of her car before turning back to her.

"Grissom brought me here. I need to go to the cemetery and then I need to go home."

"No, you need to go home first. You can go to the cemetery later," she said as she opened the door for me.

"I don't need you to mother me. Either take me to the cemetery or I'll Greg to come and get me."

Her features softened and she nodded in agreement. After I slid into the car, she shut the door behind me and quickly moved to the driver's side.

We drove in complete silence to the cemetery. Once there, she opened her door and walked around to my side to open the door. As I started toward the grave, she stayed back. I didn't even have to ask her. She just knew.

_"Why aren't you standing with __Cath__?" Greg asked as he walked up to me and drew me into a brotherly hug._

_"She said she preferred the comfort of her mother and sister for now. I guess that __kinda__ makes sense," I said as I pulled back from the hug and found myself surrounded by our team mates from work. _

_"Are you holding up okay?" Nick asked as he ran his hand up and down my back. _

_Clearly, none of them were comfortable with the situation. We faced death everyday and none of us wanted to have to deal with it personally on our downtime. We definitely didn't want to deal with it when it hit so close to home. Lindsey might have been my 'daughter' because of my relationship with Catherine, but she had been their 'little girl' for as long as they had known Catherine. And even though they all had their own children now, she had still held a special place in their hearts._

_I wiped my tears away with a hankie that Warrick had been kind enough to give me before answering. "I guess I'm okay. This just seems so surreal. And __Cath__," I said as I looked at her across the way, "she won't talk to me. She's blaming me__ and shutting me out. She's leaning on Nancy and her mother right now. I guess she needs something I can't give her," as I felt the sobs threatening to break through, I knew I needed to walk away for a few minutes. "If you'll excuse me, I need to go and take care of something." _

_I started to walk away from my extended family only to be caught by the arm a few feet later._

_"Don't let her convince you that she doesn't need you. And don't go convincing yourself that you don't need her to get through this. You need each other right now more than ever. Don't forget that," Grissom spoke softly. _

Flowers. I should have brought her fresh flowers. I brought them every week. I'll bring some back tomorrow.

"Hey there, kiddo," I said to her head stone. "It's me again. I know it's been a couple of weeks, but I've been busy. And yeah, I know that's no excuse. Happy birthday, by the way. Anyway, I guess there's no way to sugarcoat any of this. Your mom...well, she's been doing bad, sweetie. And I don't know how to help her, Linds."


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own '****em****…**

**Chapter 4**

"Hey there, kiddo," I said to her head stone. "It's me again. I know it's been a couple of weeks, but I've been busy. And yeah, I know that's no excuse. Happy birthday, by the way. Anyway, I guess there's no way to sugarcoat any of this. Your mom...well, she's been doing bad, sweetie. And I don't know how to help her, Linds."

I stood there looking down at her headstone. I let my fingers trail over each letter of her name etched into the granite—LINDSEY WILLOWS—and looked down at the dates—March 9, 1990 – November 22, 2006.

"It was too soon, Lindsey. You weren't supposed to leave us so soon. I've told you over and over again how sorry I am. I even told your mom. I guess there comes a point where apologies just aren't good enough."

I laugh as I sink to my knees in front of the headstone. "I seem to recall telling you that after you said some nasty things to your mom when you found out we were dating. I guess if we had listened to you and had stopped seeing each other, you'd probably still be here. I never would have pushed your mother to let you go out with Michael. She never would have agreed and that accident would have never happened."

I sigh heavily. I know that I'm out here talking to a piece of rock, but on some level I hope that Linds can hear me. "Without you around, things have been going to hell in a hand basket. I know I haven't told you about a lot of the stuff during our 'visits' but I guess I didn't realize what was happening around me every day."

I close my eyes and think back over the last few months. "It all started when I told her that you were gone. I don't think I've ever told you about that day."

I shift so that I'm sitting on my rear and wrap my arms around my knees. "Everyone else was out on a case when I got the call. As soon as I pulled up, I knew something was wrong. I saw them zipping Michael up in the bag and I remembered how excited you were the night before because you two were going to that concert at the Bellagio. I prayed that he had already taken you home. Sofia didn't get to me in time to try and stop me. I walked to the passenger side of the car. Everything was happening in slow motion, kid. You remember that movie…what was it called??? You made me watch it with you because you thought the guy was so cute…. _The Matrix_? Was that it?? Well, it was like that. I felt like I was moving in slow motion while everything around me was moving at normal speed."

I paused to wipe tears away from my eyes. "There was a sheet over you. Of course, I still didn't know for sure that it was you—but I knew, ya know? Blood had already soaked through it. They were trying to cut you out of the car. It was…really bad. At some point, the wind kicked up or a fireman brushed against the sheet and it moved. I could see your hair. It confirmed everything. I think I stopped breathing. I'm not too sure how long I was standing there. Seconds…minutes…I just know that Sofia finally reached me and pulled me away from the car. She drove me back to our house. I've had to tell people before that they had lost a loved one. I've seen how people crack and fall apart. I couldn't tell your mom what happened. Sofia had to do it. I was so ashamed, Linds."

I closed my eyes and thought back to that moment and tried to piece together how everything had slowly started to fall apart.

"It started with her blaming me. And I blamed myself enough for the two of us, so she never had to say that. Then, she turned to your Aunt Nancy and your grandmother for support. We've lived under the same roof and shared a bed, but we haven't….well, I'm sure you don't want 'all the gross details' as you used to put it. And I could deal with that stuff because I knew that we were both hurting so much from losing you. The little things I saw these last few months didn't mean much when taken separately, but all added up, I know now how blind I was."

I push myself up from the ground and look back at Sofia, still perched on her car waiting for me. "I promise you that I'm going to find a way to fix all this, Linds. Your mom will get better and I'm not gonna let her kick me out of her life." I look at Sofia one more time and turn back to Lindsey's grave, "I love ya, kiddo. I couldn't save you, but I will save your mom. I'll be back as soon as I can." I kiss my fingers before touching them to her headstone and turning to walk back towards Sofia.

Sofia silently opens the door to the car for me, and shuts it behind me as I get in. Wordlessly, she drives me toward the house I share with Cath. We pull up in the driveway and I just sit there staring at the door to our house.

She takes my hand and begins to speak. "You know, you don't have to stay here, Sara. You can stay with us tonight. We have a spare room. Grissom won't mind if you…"

I put my hand on hers and squeeze lightly. "I appreciate the offer, Sof. I really do. I just can't. I have a lot I need to do. I have to find the documents we did a year or so ago so that I can make her medical decisions. I need to…"

She pulled her hand back, "What? You have the paperwork that would allow you to make her decisions, yet Nancy swoops in like she did and starts running the show? Why'd you let her do it?"

I opened the door to get out, not wanting to answer her, when she grabbed my hand and held me back. "Let me call, Gil. I'll stay with you tonight. I don't want you to deal with this all alone. Is that okay?"

I could only nod in agreement. Thank goodness she offered. I'd never ask for help, but I genuinely needed it.

After calling Gil and assuring him that he didn't need to join us as well, she took my keys from me and opened the door to the house. I stood back, letting her enter first. She went in, turned on a few lights and then came back for me and led me into the house. I froze in the foyer. "I….Sofia, she was basically dead…laying there."

She led me into the kitchen. "I came over and cleaned up a bit. I didn't think you'd want to come in and…well, ya know." She started a pot of coffee and opened the fridge. "When was the last time either of you shopped for groceries?"

"I dunno. Probably in November." I never did the grocery shopping in our house. Catherine always did it.

Sofia cringed as she understood the implications of what I was saying. "Ya need to eat something, Sar. You look like shit."

"I'm fine. I don't need to eat anything," I protested.

"When was the last time you ate? I remember how you were when we worked together. And I can only assume that you haven't gotten any better about taking care of yourself."

"Sofia, it's okay," I said, but her piercing blue eyes stared me into submission. "Fine, whatever. Find something to feed me. But I'm not doing the dishes."

A few minutes later she slid a cheese sandwich down in front of me. "Eat."

I began to nibble at the sandwich just to appease Sofia. I choked down the last bit of it before saying, "See? A happy plate. All gone. Can I go now?"

She had busied herself around the kitchen while I was being guilted into eating. We walked into the living room with her arm around my shoulders. My pace slowed as we neared the spot where I had found Catherine earlier.

"How many times did she sit down here and do lines of coke without me knowing about it?" I asked as I looked at Sofia. I moved away from Sofia, her arm dropping to her side, and started pacing. "She'd stay up for days. She'd sit in Lindsey's room all day and then go to work. She'd sit down here and watch videos of Lindsey and then go to work. She'd spend the entire day with her mother or Nancy and then go to work. This would go on for days. I might've seen her sleep one or two days a week." I stopped pacing and ran my hand through my hair before glancing up the stairs. No sooner had I looked up at them than I was running up them with Sofia hot on my heels.

"She has to have coke stashed around here," I said as I started yanking open drawers and pulling out their contents. I went through every drawer in her dresser before moving to the closet. "Why does one woman need so many shoes?" I asked as I pulled out box after box and dumped them on the floor.

"Sara, do you really think she'd keep a stash around the house?" Sofia tried to reason with me.

My back to her, I couldn't help but laugh at her naivety. I spun around to look at her. "You're right. Maybe she kept it in her locker at work. Or maybe she was using so much of the fucking nose candy that she had to buy it every damn day!"

I pushed past her and into the bathroom. "So much fucking makeup! Like she'd even be able to remember which little bottle or compact or tube she stuck it in." I turned in circles in the bathroom.

I stalked out of the master suite and into the hallway. I stood outside of Lindsey's room and was about to open the door when Sofia stopped me. "You're not going to find any drugs here, Sara. You know that. She's been doing a good job of hiding it from you. She wouldn't leave that junk just lying around."

She grabbed pulled me into the spare room. "You need sleep, Sar. We'll deal with the rest of this tomorrow."

I sat down on the bed and she pulled my shoes off. I stood up and pulled my shirt and pants off. She started to walk out the door, but I stopped her. "Sof?"

She slowly turned around. "Yeah?"

"Would you…" I hung my head, unable to finish asking her.

I hate to look weak in front of anyone. And asking someone to stay with me because I don't want to be alone is the ultimate sign of weakness in my book. Actually, the ultimate sign of weakness would be falling into a bottle and never coming back out—which is what I desperately want to do. That's not going to help me and it's definitely not going to help Cath. So, it's not an option at this point.

"I don't want to be alone. Will you stay with me?"

She didn't answer. Instead, she sat on the other side of the bed and pulled her shoes off before sliding between the covers and holding them up for me to climb in.

I was still there, anchored against her when I awoke to the sound of clapping a few hours later.

I turned over and saw Nancy standing in the doorway to the bedroom.

"Nancy! What the fuck are you doing here? How did you get…" she cut me off.

"Bravo!" she said as she continued to clap. "You didn't waste any time moving some other woman into Cath's house. At least you had the good graces not to fuck her in the bed you two shared."

"Hold up, Nancy," Sofia said as she quickly slid out of the bed and stood up. "You have the wrong idea here."

Nancy looked her up and down before looking back at me. "No, I think I have a pretty damn good idea."


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own '****em****….**

**Chapter 5**

"Nancy! What the fuck are you doing here? How did you get…" she cut me off.

"Bravo!" she said as she continued to clap. "You didn't waste any time moving some other woman into Cath's house. At least you had the good graces not to fuck her in the bed you two shared."

"Hold up, Nancy," Sofia said as she quickly slid out of the bed and stood up. "You have the wrong idea here."

Nancy looked her up and down before looking back at me. "No, I think I have a pretty damn good idea."

"What my sister ever saw in a drunk like you is beyond me! I just came here to get her toiletries and something for her to wear. You two," she motioned between us, "can go back to whatever it was that you were doing."

Before I could even get out of the bed, Sofia had grabbed her arm and was dragging her into the hallway. Even though she was trying to be quiet about it, I could hear Sofia in the hallway as I tried to pull on my clothes from the previous evening.

"Dammit, Nancy. Do you have any idea how hard this is on her?" Sofia said in a stern voice.

I heard Nancy laugh before answering her. "She didn't look so distraught in the bed with you. Now let me go."

I stepped out into the hall in time to see Nancy trying to pull away from Sofia, but Sofia was unwilling to let her go.

"Sof, let her go. It's not worth it," I said before directing my next comments to Nancy. "The bedroom is a mess. I went through last night looking to see if she left any coke around. I wanted to get it out of the house if she did." I walked past her into the master bedroom. "I'll help you find what you need."

"I don't need your help, Sara. I'm perfectly capable of…"

I've had enough of her mouth. I didn't have the energy to fight her last night, but Sofia made me eat and sleep. I'm more than willing to take on Nancy now. I turn on my heel and push her against the wall. Sofia takes a step toward us, but a quick glance in her direction makes her stop.

"You need to let…"

I didn't let her finish as I put a little more of my weight into holding her against the wall. "The only thing I need to do right now is keep from really hurting you. You've been a total bitch to me for months--hell, for years. And the only thing I've ever done is love your sister. I might not have loved her the way you thought she deserved to be loved, but I have loved her. I've put up with more of her shit than any two people might've deserved. I have stuck by her—whether she realized it or not—through all of this. And not once…never once…did she or you or your mother—ever ask me if I was okay—if I was hurting—how I was dealing with this."

There was no sense in holding anything back now, so I keep on going. "None of you had to see her in that car. The last memory of her that each of you has is a good memory. Her smiling…her laughing…her being her typical Lindsey self. I don't have that luxury. I saw her in that car. I saw her with a bloody sheet over her. I had to go back and identify the body so that Catherine didn't have to. And every fucking one of you act like I'm some heartless bitch. You have the nerve to call me a drunk, yet I've not had one drink since I started dating your sister—not one! And I did that because of Lindsey. I didn't use her death as an excuse to climb back in the bottle. But your sister…her mother…my lover….saw fit to start shoving that death powder up her nose."

I draw my fist back and punch the wall beside her, leaving a hole and making Nancy cringe. "Don't you dare fucking come into my house and judge me! Don't you fucking do it!" I turned as soon as I felt Sofia's hand on my shoulder.

"Back off. I'm not done yet."

I turned back to Nancy. "You blame me for Catherine lying in that hospital room! You blame me? She shut me out. She turned to you. She turned to your mother. I didn't know Catherine when she was all coked up before. But both of you did. How is it that neither of you noticed she was high all the time?" Nancy wouldn't even look me in the eyes. I grabbed her chin with one hand and forced her to look at me. "Answer me! Why didn't _you_ notice?"

I drop my hands from Nancy and she immediately puts distance between us. But I'm not done with her yet. "Anyone else would have walked away from your sister. But I didn't. And I don't intend to do it now."

I step closer to Nancy and soften my tone. "Not that I owe you an explanation, but I didn't want to be alone last night. Sofia stayed with me. She cleaned up the mess your sister left and she tried to comfort me. Though I have to say, it's too little comfort, too late—from anyone. The one person who I needed found comfort in a slow death. Sofia is my friend. She's nothing more. I've never cheated on your sister and I certainly wouldn't entertain that thought during one of my darkest hours."

I move toward the hole in the wall that I punched and start thinking about how best to patch it up, while fingering the edge of ripped drywall paper. "I want you to back off, Nancy. I know Catherine is your sister and that you love her. But you need to let me deal with this. I know you never approved of our relationship, but I'm at least asking you to respect it."

She's studying me, trying to measure how far I'll go with this.

Sofia broke her silence, "You do realize that Catherine and Sara had legal documents drawn up where each of them could make medical decisions for the other if they were incapacitated?"

"Sofia," my tone was one of warning.

"And that although you might technically be Catherine's next of kin, you had no right to kick Sara out of that room..."

"Sofia!"

"…or interfere with her making those decisions."

"Dammit, Sofia," I walked toward her. "I appreciate what you're doing. I really do. But I need to deal with this. Go downstairs and make us breakfast or something."

Sofia stood stock still, boring holes into Nancy with her glare, before finally acquiescing and heading downstairs.

I lean against a wall across from Nancy and sank to the floor. "You know how difficult your sister is."

We both laugh nervously at my understatement. "You also know that I wouldn't have stuck around as long as I have if I didn't really love her."

She crossed her arms over her chest and moved to a less defensive posture. "You've certainly stuck around longer than Eddie did. And don't get me started on all of those creeps that she dated." She sighed heavily and joined me on the floor, putting her head in her hands. "You're right, though. We should have seen this coming."

I turned to look at her, not sure if we were calling a truce or if she was going to continue to make my life a living hell. "So what do we do now?" I asked.

"Well, I'm still not happy that you two are together. There's nothing I can do about though. I guess at this point, we need to put our problems aside and deal with her candy of choice problem."


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own '****em****….**

**Chapter 6**

I led Nancy downstairs, promising to bring a few necessary things to Catherine when I returned to the hospital later that morning.

As soon as we hit the landing, the smell of fresh coffee wafting through the house hit me. "Want a cup of coffee before you take off?" I offered Nancy, hoping to extend the semi-truce we had seemed to reach.

Hesitantly she agreed. As we entered the kitchen, I noticed Sofia standing there reading something. "Whatcha got there, Sof?"

As if she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, she quickly looked up with a surprised expression on her face. "I…uh…I was looking for…"

I didn't give her an opportunity to finish her statement before snatching the paper out of her hands. My eyes quickly scanned the return address—our mortgage company. Little details quickly leapt off the page at me. _90 days delinquent._ _30 days to make delinquent payments__ and fees. __Sold at public auction. _I quickly looked up at the date on the letter. It was dated February 9th. I push past Sofia to the calendar hanging on the refrigerator and quickly flip to February and start counting the days.

"Fuck."

"What's wrong?" Nancy asks, looking at Sofia for an explanation.

I turn around and hand the letter to her. "Your sister managed to quit paying the fucking mortgage and now we're being foreclosed on."

"Yeah, but you get 30 days to…"

"Where did you find this?" I ask Sofia, cutting off Nancy's question.

She pointed to the collection of cookbooks on a small shelf in the kitchen. I grabbed all of them at once and dumped them on the kitchen counter. Realizing what I'm doing, Sofia and Nancy each grab a book and begin flipping through them. Within a couple of minutes, we've gone through every cook book Catherine has managed to collect over the years. What sits in front of us not only shocks and surprises me, it thoroughly disgusts me.

One by one, I go through every envelope in front of us. She's maxed out every credit card she has by taking cash advances. They're all over the limit and she hasn't made a payment on some of them in two months.

"Did you know about this?" Nancy asks as the pile of unpaid, overdue bills grows higher.

I look at her with an expression that clearly asks if she's the most ignorant person on the face of the earth. "Yeah. I knew about this," I pick up a cook book. "That's why she hid them in these fucking cook books!" I throw the book in my hand across the room.

"Do you honestly think I knew what was going on? I didn't have a clue. Not a clue!"

"Sara," Sofia's reasonable tone snaps me back to reality. "Why don't you go take a shower and get ready to go back to the hospital and let Nancy and I go through these here?" she asks as she holds up several bills.

Nancy holds up her hands and silences Sofia. "I still don't understand how you have power, water, cable, a phone and yet your house is being foreclosed on. Can you explain that?"

I sigh heavily, running my hands through my hair. "When I moved in, Catherine wanted to put my name on the house. I declined. She'd had this for years and I didn't want ownership to ever be questioned. So, we decided that she'd continue to pay the mortgage and I'd take care of the rest of our utilities and insurance. I never once felt the need to ask or confirm that she was actually paying the one bill she was supposed to pay."

Shock registered on Nancy's face. "You mean you've been paying every bill and the insurance since you moved in here? And your name isn't on anything?"

I just shook my head.

"Damn, I insisted Grissom put me on the deed to his townhouse when I moved in since I was paying half of everything," Sofia offered.

"Yeah, well, after the shit she went through with Eddie and how he took out a second on the house and things like that, I didn't ever want there to be any question that this was **her** house. Besides, you," I say nodding in Nancy's direction, "would have had a field day with this if my name was on the house."

I turn to leave them. My back to them so that they can't see the tears that are ready to fall, I add, "I appreciate both of you being here. And I really appreciate your offer to deal with all of that, but it's something I need to do. It's my job to clean up Catherine's shit now. Not either of yours. You both need to go home and at least shower and eat."

I walk slowly back up the stairs, fully aware that they'll both still be there when I finally come back down from my shower.

Once in the safety and solitude of the shower, I come undone. I turn and let the hot water sting my back as I lean my head against the cool tile wall. I close my eyes but the image of Catherine slumped over on the couch flashes behind my eye-lids. I rub at them furiously to erase it. It's quickly replaced with her being pulled out of the back of the ambulance and rushed into the ER. Tears hotter than the liquid burning the tender skin of my back smolder as they run down my cheeks. Other scenes flash in front of me. Catherine busting at the seams with energy. Catherine dragging her heels on cases. Lines of coke on the table. Never seeing Catherine eat. Her moodiness—more so than usual. Dilated pupils.

I hit the wall of the shower with my fists. "Fuck!" I scream to no one other than myself. "ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!" I shout as I pound on the wall of the shower before sinking to the bottom of the shower on my ass.

The signs were all there. I just didn't know what to look for.

And now, here I am. Stuck here in the aftermath of this. A house being foreclosed on. Our credit being shot to shit. Catherine is going to lose her job. She's going to have to go through rehab. And I'm heading toward a breakdown. Damn, if ever I _needed _to drink, this would be it.

I pull myself up and finish my shower. No one ever solved their problems sitting naked on the floor of a shower, and I certainly won't solve mine there.

I dress and grab a bag to throw some of Catherine's things into. She'll need her toiletries and a few t-shirts and shorts. I know she's not fond of wearing that hospital gown they have her in.

I take the bag and head downstairs. As I had suspected, Nancy and Sofia are still here. They've moved the paperwork to the dining room table and are going over everything.

"So how bad is it?" I ask as I sit the bag down by the door leading to the garage. "Or do I even want to know?"

"First off, are you okay? We heard the scream and the banging noise," Sofia asks.

"Yeah, just fucking peachy." I pull out a chair and join them at the table. "So come on. How bad is it? I know you two have gone over everything in the half hour I was upstairs."

"More like an hour," Nancy corrects me. "Anyway, it looks like you're totally fucked."

I have to laugh because it's just funny to hear Nancy say 'fucked.' I look to Sofia and she just kind of nods before sliding a piece of paper towards me.

"We made a list. It's quite extensive, as you can see. She must have had one helluva habit this time around," Nancy explains.

"All of these are credit cards?" I ask as I look up at them.

"No. She's also overdrawn on her checking account. Evidently she's been bouncing checks around town." Sofia slides the bank statement towards me.

"And…"

I cut Nancy off. "There's more?"

"Yes, darling. There is. She's emptied her savings, also."

"All of this in four months time?" I'm not believing what's right in front of me. There has to be some other explanation. How much does this all add up to?"

Nancy and Sofia just look at one another, hesitant to answer me. "How much? Just tell me."

"Close to sixty grand," Sofia answers quietly.

"Six grand isn't that bad. I have that much in my savin…."

"Sixty. She said sixty, Sara."

I jump out of my seat, knocking my chair to the floor. "How the hell do you shove sixty grand worth of cocaine up your nose in four months time?"

"Well, that's my sister for you," Nancy says as she stands up and walks toward the door. "She never does anything half-assed. It's all the way or no way with her. I'll see you at the hospital later, Sara."

She turned and walked out the door, leaving me to stare at Sofia for answers.

I silently walk over and pick up the chair and sit it back under the table. My hands still on it for support, I soberly look Sofia in the eyes. "You know, I can't help but wonder about something."

"What's that?" Sofia asked as she straightened the mess in front of her.

"Did she fuck up and nearly kill herself or did all of this catch up with her and she decided to end it?"

"That's something you'll have to ask her."


	8. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own '****em****…**

**Chapter 7**

"We're keeping her sedated right now. You're aware that she experienced a cocaine overdose," I nodded as the doctor continued his explanation. "While we were dealing with her in the ER, her heart stopped twice. She's going to have permanent heart damage."

"Why is she being sedated?" I asked. "Won't that do more damage?"

"No, not under the present circumstances. We suspect she'd been using cocaine for a while. She must've taken quite a large dose this last time. With prolonged usage, an individual's tolerance builds up so that they have to use increasingly larger dosages of the drug to get the same feeling of euphoria they once had with a much smaller dosage," he paused and looked down at Catherine before continuing. "We're worried about seizures, agitation, and hyperexcitability. That's why we decided to sedate her. She should be coming around soon. Here are some pamphlets on some rehab centers. I suggest you get her into one. I'll be around if you have any other questions."

He shook my hand and left. I sat down in the chair closest to Catherine's bedside and began to read through the pamphlets on the various treatment facilities that the doctor had given me. Given our current financial situation, our options were going to be limited.

Fuck. Our 'financial situation' is a bit of a misnomer. I toss the pamphlets aside and walk to the window in her room. I laugh as I silently wonder if having a window in her room costs more. I should ask someone about that. She doesn't really need a window anyway.

What I can't seem to get past is that she spent sixty grand on something that wasn't even tangible. Just last year I had wanted to buy a new telescope and I had been told that it was an 'unnecessary expense.' And I certainly didn't go behind her back and buy it, even though I definitely had the money and it wouldn't have affected us to the degree that her stupid ass habit has.

I turn at a noise behind me. Catherine is waking up. Oh boy, this is going to be fucking priceless. She opens her eyes and groans.

"Where am I?" she asks looking around the room.

"You're in hell," I answer snidely.

"What?" she asks, confusion evident on her face. I've always thought of Catherine as having this classic, timeless beauty about her. Right now, she looks like every other strung out junkie I've ever encountered on the job.

"I said you're in hell," I said as I moved to the foot of her bed. "I just have one question for you Catherine. Was this an accident or did everything just catch up with you and you decided to take the coward's way out?"

"Sara, I don't know what you're talking about," she pushed herself into a sitting position on the bed. "Now, why the fuck am I in the hospital?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "You're fucking kidding, right? You mean to tell me you have no idea why you're here? This is rich!"

She started rubbing her head and furrowing her brow. "Let's pretend for a moment that I'm not kidding. Why am I here?"

I almost wish someone else were here to witness this. I move to the side of the bed so that I'm closer to her. "You tried to kill yourself, Catherine."

She looked up at me in disbelief. It was all an act. I knew her too well to fall for it.

"I came home from work early yesterday and found you slumped over on the couch. I had to do CPR on you while I waited for an ambulance," I slump down in the chair beside her. "Your heart stopped twice in the ER. And your sister, well, we won't even discuss her right now."

Tired of feeling sorry for myself, I get up out of the seat once again and look down at the pathetic woman in front of me. "How long?"

She turns her head to break eye contact, but I reach out and grab her chin and force her to look at me. "How long, Catherine? How long have you been using?"

She snorts and slaps my hand away. "It's not like you even noticed. So why do you care now?"

"Why do I care?" I have to temper my reaction to Catherine right now. I want to lash out at her. I want to hurt her just like she's hurt me, but that won't help anything. It will only push her further away. Right now, I need to forget about my feelings and deal with her—something I obviously failed to do the last four months.

"Catherine, despite what you—and your family—think, I'm still very much in love with you." I sit down on the edge of the bed beside and reach out to take her hand in mine. She pulls back, but I reach for her again. This time she lets me take her hand in mine. "I knew you were hurting. I was hurting, too. When you turned to your mom and your sister, I thought…well, I don't know what I thought. I suppose on some level I thought you believed that only they could provide you with what you needed once _we_ lost Lindsey. And I say _we _because even though I didn't give birth to her, I still considered her my child."

"You have no idea what I was going through," she says as she yanks her hand away from me and pushes me off of her bed in a seemingly fluid motion. "You went right back to work. You didn't leave me any choice. I had to turn to someone, so I went to my mother and my sister. All you ever had to do was try. And you didn't. Not once. Not ever!"

"You shut me out! Was I supposed to force you to talk to me—to include me—to need me?" I was trying desperately to keep my voice down because the last thing I wanted was a nurse or doctor showing up and telling me that I needed to leave.

She looked up at me with cold, unfeeling eyes. "You were supposed to do anything other than what you actually did, Sara. You left me a long time ago, so don't be surprised by what happened yesterday. And don't go looking at this as another way for you to play the martyr. Oh! Poor Sara. Her nice little family all ruined! Boo hoo! You've been looking for a way out since you got in, Sidle. So, here it is. Take it. No one would blame you now. Hell, you might even be able to finally Sofia in bed. You two have become quite chummy the last few months."

My mouth opened, but words wouldn't come out. I was trying to process what Catherine was saying. Before I can form a semi-articulate response she continues.

"Did you think I didn't notice? The two of you? I'm not blind, Sara."

"You're not blind, but you certainly are stupid," I couldn't hold it in any longer. "There's never been anything more than friendship between Sofia and myself. And if you'd get your head out of your ass—or maybe I should say the powder out of your nose—you'd know that."

I walk across the room to the window again, hoping that some distance between the two of us might help. I stand looking out the window and can feel her eyes on my back.

"Did you do it on purpose, Catherine?" I could go on thinking that this was an accident—that it just happened to coincide with Lindsey's birthday –but I knew we couldn't move forward until we started being honest with one another. And this was the moment.

I slowly turned to face her, but she had turned on her side, pulling herself into a fetal position. I let her lie like that a few minutes. Her body was shaking with sobs. I walked over to her bed and climbed in behind her, drawing her body against mine. She quickly turned over and buried her head in the crook of my neck, still sobbing. My hands started moving up and down her back, trying to calm her.

When the sobbing stopped, I pulled back from her a bit. I cupped her chin in my hand and ran my thumb along her lips while looking in her eyes. I bent forward and barely brushed my lips against hers before pulling her into a tight hug.

"I love you, Cath. I do. I really do. But baby, you…"

"It wasn't an accident," she said barely above a whisper.

My heart broke at those words. I had hoped with every fiber of my being that it had been an accident, a coincidence. But it wasn't.

"Say something, please," she begged me quietly.

"We have to find a rehab place for…"

"No. I don't need rehab. I can stop. I did it before. I can do it again," she said as she pulled back and began to wipe at her eyes.

I turned her to face me by her chin. "Not this time, Cath. The last time, you were pregnant and got clean and stayed clean because of Lindsey."

"I can do it again," she pleaded.

"Baby, I want to believe that. I really do. But," I sighed heavily. "Sweetie, now's probably not the time to talk about this, but there's not time like the present. So, here goes….we're fucked financially, Cath. Do you have any idea what you've been doing?"

"I took a few cash advances and cleared out my savings. We still have the house and with both of us work…"

"No, we don't sweetheart. The house is being foreclosed on. You haven't made a payment in four months. Those payments come out of your checking account and since you've spending every dime you get paid, there was nothing there for the mortgage company to take. And a few cash advances, babe? Between the house, your credit cards and all the fees and everything else," I let out a heavy sigh. "We owe close to sixty grand."

"There's no way. I can't have…"

"Trust me. I thought the same thing. Imagine my surprise when I walked downstairs this morning after fighting with your sister and finding Sofia holding our foreclosure notice—that came a month ago! And then we discovered all of your bills. Very clever, by the way, to stuff them in your cook books."

She half-smiled before admitting, "I knew if there was one place you wouldn't look for anything it would be in the kitchen and the cookbooks seemed like a logical place. Those are the only books in the house you've never touched." She shook her head and then looked at me, "You fought with my sister? What was she even doing there?"

"We'll discuss your sister another time," I said as I got up from the bed. "This isn't going to be easy, Cath. I can't…I don't have enough to bail us out. I planned for a rainy day, but this is more like a monsoon. There's no way we can keep the house."

"Well, we're both still working and…"

"Cath, you're going to lose your job. You had to know that. There's no way you'll ever be credible on the stand again after this. Your mental state will always be called into question."

She started to cry and I sat back down beside her and pulled her to me. "You ...should've…just…let…me…die," she said through a tear-broken voice.

"Why don't you quit worrying about yourself for one damn minute and think about how this little stunt of yours affects everyone around you—especially Sara?"

We both turned at the sound of the voice.

"Lily." "Mother." We both spoke simultaneously.


	9. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own '****em****…**

**A/N: Sorry for being so slack in updating this story. You can either blame SoFrost or Immi--take your pick ;-)**

**Chapter 8**

"Why don't you quit worrying about yourself for one damn minute and think about how this little stunt of yours affects everyone around you—especially Sara?"

We both turned at the sound of the voice.

"Lily." "Mother." We both spoke simultaneously.

"Catherine, Sara," she said as she nodded at each of us.

I immediately pulled back from Catherine and stood up. "Lily," my voice cracked as I spoke her name. "I forgot to…"

She put her hand up to silence me as she took her purse from her arm and sat down in a chair near Catherine's bed.

"Nancy called me last night. She said you were a bit distraught over my daughter's …antics." She adjusted her purse on her lap before turning to Catherine. "And you, my dear, dear, Catherine. Thank goodness neither your daughter nor Sam are alive. This would have killed both of them. What were you thinking? Attempting suicide? It's so passé."

"Mother, I…" Catherine was swiftly cut off by a dismissive wave her mother's hand.

"Save it for someone else, Catherine. Frankly, I'm tired of it, dear. You've spent your entire life making excuses for your behavior. Leaving home like you did…shaking your ass for money...using drugs…marrying that worthless man. Sometimes I think…"

"Lily, I don't think now's the time for you to berate Catherine and the decisions she's made," I step toward the door and opened it. "As a matter of fact, we were having a private discussion and I think we'd both appreciate it if you would give us some privacy." I look at Catherine and she nods slightly, reassuring me that I am making the right decision in kicking her mother out.

"Fine, I'll leave you two to work out the mess Catherine has made of everything. But understand this, there's no one to fall back on anymore, Catherine. Sam is gone. You can't depend on his money to bail you out of trouble. And as for me, well, your sister and I have both decided that we're staying out of this. As I said, you two are on your own." She stood up and walked toward me, pausing she added, "Sara, you have my sympathy."

"Cath, I'll be right back," I say as I close the door behind me and step out into the hall with Lily.

"You do realize you're going to have your hands full with this one?" she asked as she hitched her thumb over her shoulder in Catherine's direction.

"Yeah, I do. You understand why I want…no, why I need to do things like this, right?" I ask the former showgirl.

"I do," she says nodding. "I can't say that I agree with this idea of yours, but I at least understand why you believe you need to do it this way. I hope you know what you're doing," she said as she walks away.

I take a couple of deep breaths before walking back into the room with Catherine.

"I've really fucked things up, haven't I?" she asks as she stares blankly at the ceiling above her bed.

"If by fucked up you mean falling back into old habits, shutting me out of your life, experiencing financial ruin, losing your job, being cut off by your family…"

"I get it," she says dismissively as she sits up in bed the once more.

_Break her down completely_. I hear the counselor's words in my head before deciding to push this issue even further.

"Do you? Do you really get it, Catherine? This isn't just your life that you've fucked up this time. I'm affected by all of this, too. Everyone that knows you is affected. Did you ever once stop to think about how what you were doing would affect the rest of us?"

She stares blankly ahead and ignores my questions. I slam my hand down on the bedside table and shout, "Answer me!"

"No, I didn't," she concedes with an icy undertone.

We embark on a staring match, each of us waiting for the other to waiver, flinch or break contact first. She does, looking down at her hands and beginning to speak once again.

"I didn't want to feel anything anymore, Sara. I had lost Lindsey. She was the one thing that made life worth living. You weren't there the day she came into this world. You weren't there for the first step or the first word. You didn't get to patch up her scratched knee or pick her up the first time she fell off a bicycle. You didn't change her diapers or…"

"You're right, I didn't. I didn't have the mother-daughter bond you had with her. No one but you had that bond. But I did love her. There was nothing in the world I wouldn't have done for Lindsey. You think I wasn't there for you, and you're probably right. I obviously wasn't there in the capacity you needed me to be. But you could've said something. Not once did you ever tell me you needed me. And every time I turned to you, you pushed me away. You turned to your mother and your sister and to your old friend. And you turned me…away. Yet, every day, I came home. Every day I was there. And I didn't need you or your family reminding me that Lindsey would be here today if I hadn't pushed you to let her go out with that boy. But time and again, each of you saw fit to pour salt in that wound. I saw her that night, Cath. You didn't. And I spared you from having to see her the way I did. Just like I told Nancy, that's the last memory I have of Lindsey. Each of you has a happy one of her smiling, laughing or being her typical self. I'm the only person in this family who doesn't. And I managed to stay sober through this. I stayed sober for her because I loved her and she needed a parent in her life she could depend on who didn't turn to alcohol to solve problems. And I stayed sober for you because I am as in love with you today as I was the first time I ever uttered those words to you. And I plan on sticking by your side, but I need to know something, Catherine," I say as I reach out and take her hand in mine. "Do you love me?"

She turns away from me and pulls her hand from mine. I sit down in the chair beside her bed and study her. She can't bring herself to look at me, instead, she's staring at the window.

After a few minutes, a nurse walks in to check her vitals, take her blood pressure and make a few notations on her chart and quickly leaves again. I'm not sure how long I'm in that chair waiting for a response, but sleep overcomes me. Sometime later, I'm awakened by the sounds of soft sobs.

Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I see that once again, Catherine is curled up on the bed crying. As before, I climb on the bed beside her and wrap my arms around her. Her crying only increases and my attempts to soothe her do little to help.

"I never stopped loving you," she says between sobs. She takes her hospital gown and dabs at her face before looking at me. "I still love you, Sara. But it's not the same as the love a mother feels for her child. That love is…"

"…strong. I know. Whether you love me or not, I'm going to help you get through this, so don't think you have to tell me that or I'll walk out the door." A part of me honestly wondered if that's what she was doing. Even though she had just tried to kill herself, self-preservation is still a basic human drive.

She pulls back slightly from me before bringing her lips to mine. She presses them gently against mine, but there is hesitancy there. I bring my hand to her face and gently cup her cheek but not taking control of the kiss. She seems to take this little encouragement of mine and deepens the kiss. As the urgency of her kiss grows, I pull back.

"Catherine, we need to make some decisions."

I move to lie on my back and she cuddles into my side, her head on my shoulder.

"We're going to lose the house and there's nothing we can do about that. Sofia and Greg are going to help me look for an apartment. In the meantime, Nick, Warrick and Grissom are packing our things and putting them in storage. I'm going to stay with Grissom and Sofia until we find a place. You're going to rehab. Something residential."

She starts to pull back, to protest, but I keep my hold on her firm.

"You're not going to win this argument, babe. Our first concern has to be to get you better, and this time, you're doing rehab. I know it's not what you want."

"No, it's not," she responds harshly.

"Well, frankly, I don't care. This is about what's best for us. And the best course of action for us right now is to get you into rehab. I'm going to look at a couple of places this afternoon. I'm going to make a decision about one of them and then we're checking your ass in there."

"I'm not a child, Sara. I should have some say in what happens to me."

"Oh, you do have a say. You said it loud and clear yesterday when you tried to kill yourself."


End file.
